Warning! This is going to be a very long post. However, it's worth reading if you need a little bit of reassurance an extra courage. If you wanna skip to the "How did he do it" part, read on from the dotted line further down 🙂
Hi, everyone!
I haven't been on AG for a very long time. The reason for that is, that I didn't need the reassurance and hope that this website has given me for 2 years. Why? Well basically, because I learned to produce it myself. AG gave me the recipe, a pretty difficult one to master, but in time I learned to cook it pretty well 😀
I came back to share my story, my experience and my path to recovery with everyone else. In the same way Paul and this community have given me so much, I want to give some of that back!
I'm going to try and keep my story somewhat short since I don't plan on writing my autobiography here 😀
So here goes:
It all started basically when I was born. My brain was pre-programmed to be anxious. My dad had this "anxiety germ" and it got passed on. I got my first bouts of anxiety and derealization when i was 7. Being a kid, unable to understand such abstract concepts as fight-or-flight, OCD, GAD and even specific things like serotonin and what not, I obviously freaked out. I would ask my mom why I feel so strange, why the world feels unreal and why I am different from the other kids.
I'm going to fast forward through my childhood. I was bullied a lot in school. I was the odd one out, the crazy kid, the loser, all that stuff. My parents divorced when I was 12 (my dad was an alcoholic... still is to this day), I stayed with my mom, both my grandpas died, so yeah... ruff times.
This was the first time I ended up in hospital, for 2 weeks, since my anxiety got out of control. Test were done, medication was given... final diagnose: OCD.
3 years later I was back in hospital. My anxiety was extreme, out of control. I was contemplating suicide, the lot. My second experience in hospital was my idea of hell. The doctors didn't seem to care about me, I felt alone, lost, scared, hopeless. Eventually I was give a new diagnosis: acute polymorphic psychotic disorder without symptoms of schizophrenia (quite a mouth full 😀 ), even though no test were done, no doctor had ever asked me "what do you feel?" "what are you scared of". Keep this episode in mind as it will become very important later.
I was give anti-psychotic medication which i took (on and off - I always hated medication!) for 3 years. Until one night! In high school I made friends, I stopped being bullied and started to feel "alive" for the first time in my life. One night, Halloween 2009, I was at a pub, with some friends and I looked around: I saw them being happy, they didn't seem to care about anxiety, feelings of unreality, all this philosophical nonsense! That was the night I stopped taking my anti-psychotics, for good!
Time went on, I turned 18. I was soon going to not be able to go to my psychiatrist in children's hospital (she was a pretty good psychiatrist) as you have to go to regular hospital after you turn 18 so I went there one last time, because my anxiety was back. What my psychiatrist told me back then (I used to go off my meds a lot without being allowed to do so - as I said, always hated them) was engraved in my mind for life "You might have to take medication for the rest of your life". That was the death sentence to me, the "Sir, I am very sorry to inform you that your life ends here". Back then I didn't appreciate meds. I always thought "this is all in my head, as such, I can control it. I am in charge, not these pills".
So I went on with my life for 2 more years, no pills whatsoever, and I was doing great. I thought "I won. It's gone. I am ME, finally!"
Until my first job. I met a girl. I liked her, I wanted to ask her out. But I was always a very shy fellow. Asking a girl out to me was the equivalent of answering a Yes-No question when your life is the wager. So I asked my best friend for help. He pretty much hinted my intention to her. Eventually I texted her on Facebook (I know, the cowards way). She agreed to go out and.. we hooked up.
"I have a girlfriend! OMG! I am not a loser anymore" This will come back to haunt me though. I was EXTREMELY clingy to the point where we broke up less than 3 months later. While being with her, my anxiety went though the roof of the Burj Dubai! I hit rock bottom and I hit it at supersonic speed. Remember my diagnosis that contained the word "schizophrenia"? This was my new obsession. My ultimate fear! My nemesis! The 5 TON gorilla in the room! I was convinced: I am losing it. I am developing schizophrenia. It's only a matter of time. My life's done!
I went to a psychiatrist, did some tests. Diagnosis: adjustment disorder. Treatment: 6 months of Zoloft, at first. I took the meds. I had good days, I had bad ones, mostly bad ones though. I broke up with my girlfriend, soon after quit the meds because I was still anti-meds even though I felt like "poop".
Slowly I started to realize a lot of things, and I mean A LOT! I had revelations on a daily basis. I wasn't with my ex simply because I liked her - I was with her because I didn't like myself, hence the clinginess. I realized how insecure I was, how self-disgusted and self-hateful. I never took the time to work out my childhood traumas. I never looked after myself and now it was back to haunt me.
Around this time, I found Paul's website, in a mad frenzy of searching for instant relief, for anything that could make IT go away. An the website felt different from all the other ones: it was personal. This was someone who went through anxiety, not an academic paper. This wasn't the usual "eat bananas, do lots of sports and be optimistic", it was intangible, something that goes deep, inside the mind, where the main issue lurks like a lost penny in the biggest, darkest cave. Find the penny, and you're free.
I soaked up EVERY piece of info on the website. ALL OF IT! And I found it so simple to understand yet so hard to truly accept and apply.
Fast forward some more. I learned to, in time, work around my anxiety, but not with it. It's like having a pack of wolves in front of your house. Instead of walking through them, since they usually don't bite (for the sake of this scenario at least 😀 ), you jump out the window, from the 3rd floor, every day. But it mostly worked. My life got back on track. I switched jobs, finished University, got my driver's license and bought a car and was generally doing great.
During the summer of 2013 I met a bunch of really cool people from abroad who were working for a volunteer organization and befriended them. Amongst them, my then new, now still- girlfriend. Life finally seemed to be heading the right way. At first it was intended to be a fling, but the fling turned out to be far more than that. Without getting in to too much detail here, we stayed together, in a long distance relationship though, traveled a lot and so on.
Something inside of me had arisen though. The pack of wolves had smashed through the front door and were growling at me! There was something that had been left undone, ignored, avoided.
My bouts of anxiety were on and off. I would have severe episodes of derealization and some depression in there too. I felt hopeless, again. And the "s-word" (schizophrenia, just saying this word back then would give me a panic attack) was giving me cold shivers again.
This time though, instead of tumbling to the ground again, I started to apply what I learned on this website, and on others, and from other people. I used my "ridiculously extensive" knowledge on anxiety to actually try and achieve something. I tried everything: eating healthy, sports, positive self-talk, breathing exercises, sleeping more, less junk food etc.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did any of this help? Not really, cause I did it all halfheartedly. I"d stop doing it after a week or two at most if I didn't get any results.
So I guess now you're asking yourself "Well what worked then?". The short answer: time and acceptance.
You cannot wish anxiety away. You cannot get instant relief! It just doesn't work. That's like beating a dog for half of its life and then expecting that dog to be a friendly puppy. Anxiety needs time. The more you try to rush it, the more fuel you pour on the fire until the fire becomes a fire-storm!
And as for acceptance, that magic word, that "Shagri-La" of anxiety sufferers... it comes a lot easier than you'd think, if you give it, guess what?!?!? TIME!
I know how far away it might seem when anxiety has brought you down to your knees. How utterly unobtainable. "That person could! But I will never be able to" Let me tell you how this last phrase is utter BS. Anyone can! This is not about mental or physical strength, about male of female, young or old. Just put down the buckets, sit down and let the fire burn out.
Let me be more concrete: 3 years ago I would tell myself that anxiety needs to go away, forever! Now, I simply accept that it isn't going anywhere. It's here to stay, with me, until the day i die! It's part of myself. Those wolves aren't the enemy. They're my deranged pets and I love them! YES! You can learn to actually love your anxiety! How crazy is that?!
Does it still give me a hard time? HELL Yeah! Do i still care? Not nearly as much as I did. I actually see it as "normal". It's who I am. I will always be anxious about on thing or another. But what it comes down to, in the end, is how you react. You can throw entire fuel containers on the fire, or you can step back and enjoy the spectacle of flames.
I know some of you want something even more concrete: a step-by-step guide, a magical chant or ritual. But there is none. We are all different, and as such, our anxiety acts different. We must all find our way to deal with it. And we will! Paul could, I could, so many people on this forum and outside of it could. It's like learning to ride a mono-cycle down a cliff. It's scary, it's hard and it hurts when you fall. But once you learn to ride the cycle in your OWN way, it cannot be forgotten. It becomes a reflex, a routine. Your anxiety becomes something mundane, boring. It chatters all day long in the back of your head but has the same impact as your TV running in the background while you do something else.
I still have fears. I am terrible hypochondriac! Right now I'm waiting for my endoscopy (that thing where they shove a camera down your throat into your stomach) in two days to check on my stomach that has been acting weird for a while now and all I can thing of is "cancer, cancer, cancer!" but at the same time I think it's funny how I freak out over every little pain, bump and numb feeling 😀
I have a lot of relationship anxiety as well. I still have those fears from 3 years ago: do I love because I love, or because I lack self-love? But I've been in a beautiful relationship for 2 and half years now. If someone would've asked me, 5 years back, if I could be in a relationship for this long, I would've looked at them with big, empty eyes, and just nodded in disbelief.
Fear of schizophrenia? Gone. Not because I got proof that I don't have it. Because I stopped caring. Could it hit me one day? Maybe. I cannot spend my life worrying about something that will probably never occur.
We anxiety sufferers need to accept the "unknown". We cannot predict the future. We just expect it. Now let's look at this through a logic view "Since you cannot predict, you cannot expect, right?" You can expect rain, when you heard the weather forecast. But you cannot expect misery and death when there is no "life forecast".
And the one thing I learned about my anxiety, OCD, pack of wolves, call it what you will, is this:
It was never out to get me or ruin my life... it was there to... help...
My anxiety reminded me that there was unfinished business left to do. Insecurities that needed to be dealt with. I had to learn to accept myself and accept everything about it. I cannot say I accept myself 100%. Maybe 75%. 3-4 years ago it would've been 20%.
Anxiety was a warning sign. A yellow flag during a race. A train barrier stopping me from going in front of the freight train. I wanted me to stop hurting and start fixing. This thought alone has given me so much strength and shifted my perspective on what this "beast", this "monster" truly was: nothing more than my inner self, needing some care and love.
My friends, my family and of course my girlfriend all helped, to the best of their powers. They cannot feel what I feel, no matter how well I explain. They gave me some advice, a pat on the back and a "It's going to be ok". I still had to do the hard work. We all have to. Nobody can take our fears away since they are OUR fears.
As for the meds. I don't take any. Haven't done so since mid-2012. I don't need them. I understand now though, that they can be very helpful to a lot of people and I don't demonize them anymore. If you are on of those people who rely on meds, don't feel inferior, weaker or defeated since you are none of those things. For some people sports work, for others arts, for others again meds. We all have our medication. If you feel good and happy, does it matter that you're taking a pill? I'd say happiness is many times more important than this med-stigma.
Anyway, I should probably sum things up. Anxiety cannot be defeated or removed. It can only be made peace with and accepted. And oh what a good feeling it is to finally accept anxiety and shake hands with it! That mountain you've been dragging along on your back for so many years finally crumbles and falls and you feel free, so free!
I am trying to get people to long for this feeling, to want it, to strive for it! But not in a desperate way, like an addict, but in a patient and accepting manner: give it TIME and ACCEPT it. Learn to love the bastard! 😀
I could add a lot more, but it's midnight here and I have to work tomorrow 😛
If anyone has questions, or simply wants to talk about their feelings, go ahead. I'll reply to every post 🙂
In the end I want to say a HUGE THANK YOU:
- to Paul for this website and all of the work and soul he has put into it and into helping people
- to this wonderful community of people with a common nuisance and a common cause.
THANK YOU ALL.
Cheers, Martin.
|
Author
On the path to success!
