Hello everyone,

I am very sorry for my inactivity but I've been EXTREMELY busy lately managing about 5 million things at once.

I wanted to provide a update on how I feel aaaaand... ask for some advice.

Here's the thing. I'm still doing good and handling my anxiety symptoms quite well: physical symptoms - no problem, brain fog or derealization - no problem.

However, I have realized that I have not dealt with one very big issue that I have, and it's reared it's ugly head again: I have an attachment problem.

In short, I have been in a long distance relationship for the past 2 and a half years, seeing my girlfriend every 1-2 months. However, since we first got together I have always asked myself "Am I with this girl because I love her, or because of my attachment problem and it just helps me feel better about myself?"

It turned kind of "inceptiony" back then in the sense that the seed was planted and I have been obsessing about this ever since. I have times where I don't ask myself this question and generally accept that I do love her. But they are often followed by time of questioning and rumination.

Lately, it has hit me very bad because we're in a rough spot in our relationship. She will head to the US to do her Master's and I might not be able to join her due to financial reasons. She said she doesn't want to continue long distance (and I understand that) so it doesn't look good right now.

However, my main problem and driver of my anxiety are the following:

The fear or losing what could have been "the one" (and yes I know that's a myth) since she thinks she could really love me forever.

Then there is the intense guilt, shame and self-hatred that I feel when thinking that the only reason I have been with her, could be my insecurity and attachment problem. This is the thought that drives me insane the most and that I cannot stop obsessing about. I don't want to use someone to fill a void inside myself and I don't want to hurt her by making her feel used by me.
We talked about this, multiple times, she understood and accepted it. However, she recently told me to decide what I want to feel for her cause it's been over two years already and she doesn't want to be messed with anymore. I totally understand her as I can imagine how it must feel when your partner questions his feelings for you. I feel miserable for doing this to her as she has always been supportive, patient and reassuring with me and her feelings have been constant.

I'm just wondering if that seed that I planted over 2 years ago grew into an obsession that shouldn't be there and if my constant questioning is just Romantic-OCD (of which I found out recently) or if my attachment issue actually has the power to drive me into a relationship for the wrong reason?

Don't get me wrong: I do care and probably love her to some degree. Her feelings are important to me. Otherwise I wouldn't feel this deep sense of guilt and shame. We get along together very well. We're both understanding and patient with each other and we have a great time when we see each other.

It's just that the recent news of potential break-up have triggered my attachment issues again. I do have the symptoms of an anxiously attached person. I just don't know if those symptoms dictate the reason for why I am in this relationship or they are just there in times of hardship as I am a pretty sensitive individual.

Not being able to decide if my feeling are real or anxiety-driven makes me ruminate, obsess and stress to the point where I have extreme anxiety and some depression.

If anyone can offer some opinions, suggestions and some encouragement, I would highly appreciate it as I feel I've hit rock bottom lately, when it comes to this topic.

I thank you all in advance and hope you are all having a great day and no anxiety or depression 🙂

Cheers, Martin

Quote from Sarah on March 18, 2016, 21:19
Anxiety or not, I think these are issues anyone would have.
Don't over think it. Because you will think about it even if you try not to.
The answer will come to you on its own.
Good luck!

Thank you Sarah.
It's encouraging to know that even people without anxiety have such issues. It's just that attachment problems coupled with OCD can lead to exactly what you have warned me of: overthinking.
And unfortunately I have been doing that to the point where my mind is a confused mess right now.
Thank you for your insight 🙂