The forum doesn't seem to be that active which is a shame! I see there's new members subscribing regularly and I thought I'd break the ice by telling you my story with anxiety. It might help me to get my story out and maybe you can get some comfort from it too.
I had always been anxious in some way. Over critical parents and a cold household had me feeling very out of control as a child, which is why I developed a phobia of vomiting after my first stomach bug when I was 9. I find it sad that I had to see a therapist at age 9 but I did and luckily the phobia quickly subsided. I lived a fairly normal life but as I got older, I had trouble sleeping at night. I would spend evenings ruminating when I was supposed to sleep. I didn't know what anxiety was and didn't think much of it, until I was 21.
At 21, I had just recovered from a bad breakup, moved to another apartment and lost my job. I was feeling stressed but thought I managed it quite well. Two months after these life changes, in 2013, I was at home watching tv in the evening. All of a sudden, I felt my stomach drop in a way I hadn't before. Maybe I was coming down with something? I decided to go to bed but as I settled in my covers, I started feeling really uneasy. I started shaking, violently, like I was having a miniseizure. I felt sick and dizzy, my heart was racing. This marked my first panic attack.
The next day I felt anxious about what had happened but tried to forget about it. Week later, I had the same symptoms when I was in bed but this time with chest pain. I called the ambulance for myself, terrified I was having a heart attack. The ambulance arrived and they quickly realized I was having a panic attack and let me go.
Knowing nothing about panic attacks, I went on a Google binge. I spent days googling everything there was to know about these panic attacks, mostly about whether or not these attacks were in my life to stay. As I continued my research, the attacks became frequent. I stayed in my house, the only place I felt remotely safe, for a month. I was scared of dying, going crazy. Just terrified of what was happening to me. I then got a hold of my doctor who prescribed me antidepressants.
The next two years, 2013-2015, were marked by uncertainty. I was being told I had "just" panic attacks and anxiety but I didn't believe it. I was sure there was something else going on. I didn't believe there could be one night, one panic attack, that could destroy my life the way it had. Two months earlier I had been fine, now I had to take a tranquilizer to go get a cup of coffee with a friend. Little by little I got out more but still had panic attacks frequently and took a combo of sleeping pills, antidepressants, tranquilizers, anti-nausea medications, teas, Rescue Remedy drops, magnesium and vitamins hoping it would make my life the way it was. I would mark this period by saying it was a phase where I was in denial about my anxiety overall.
In 2015, I started working again full-time. It took a lot of courage since I still had a lot of anxiety but I forced myself to go, knowing I couldn't stay at home forever. After a while, work helped me overcome some of my anxiety and outwards I was probably quite normal. I still had panic attacks sometimes and some anxiety but overall was doing a lot better than I had before. This was largely due to having to be desensitized to all sorts of situations I used to avoid. This period was my mourning phase. I mourned the life I used to have and felt depressed about the new normal I had to endure.
In 2017, there were no places I avoided. Travelling, restaurants, movie theaters, shopping malls. I never left, I persisted no matter how bad my anxiety got. I also had stopped almost all of my safety mechanisms mentioned before, only the sleeping pills remained and I think I have some of the tranquilizers still around the house. I was a lot better than years ago which I was quite happy with but I kept thinking what would happen if I was all the way recovered. I decided there was no going back, my life would never be like it was before my first panic attack. But it would be okay because I could build a life that was even better.
I was going on a trip. A day before leaving, I had a horrible bout of panic attacks that lasted for the whole day. The trip was ruined because I was feeling very anxious and didn't enjoy almost any of it. I didn't have any skills to calm myself so I endured, I did everything I was supposed to do on that trip but I was an anxious mess the whole time. That's when I decided I'm going for full recovery.
For the last six months, I have started to actively do something about my anxiety. One of my biggest helps in this has been Paul from AnxietyGuru. He has gotten me over panic attacks when I have played his panic attack survival guide podcast. I familiarized myself so well with that particular show that nowadays I don't necessarily even listen to it, I just say to myself "Imagine Paul sitting next to me, he's got a hand on my shoulder, he's telling me I can get through this and I'm gonna be okay" as silly as that sounds. I do mindfulness, try to exercise and eat healthy, and have spend some time in getting to the root of my biggest fears.
These six months have been difficult. My anxiety is worse and better at the same time. Because I am thinking about my fears and opening up some old wounds at my psychologist, I have a lot of anxiety these days. Much more than a year ago. But somehow I cope with it better now too. I have some skills in my toolbox to use when I do feel anxious.
Just last night I had a panic attack much worse than anything I've felt for a while. But I didn't spiral out of control with fearful thoughts, I was keeping myself together, just sipping water, breathing and reminding myself it's gonna be okay. It's sort of like my body was in overdrive but unlike a year ago, my mind wasn't in on it. My mind remained a calm anchor. And I was okay.
I don't know what the future will bring and when I will be a 100%. There are already days when I do feel 100% but then I have bad days, sometimes bad weeks. I hope the time I spend feeling well will increase little by little. There's no alternative, either I mope around thinking about how anxiety ruins my life or I will work on it. I have chosen to work on it.
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