Okay, before you think of the dreaded S word that ends in "...cide", that's not what I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is the word "setback."

For the last few years, I've fought against saying this word. Instead, I referred to it as having a bad day or days. Well, today is the 10th day in a row that I've felt like crap. Honestly, I can't recall ever feeling this way. When this nightmare started for me over 5 years ago, I felt panic, I wanted to go to the mental hospital, I was dying, and on and on. Been there done that.

Ten days ago, I thought it was just a bad day. My supervisors and I had a "talk" with an employee who has underperformed for a while. I got up from the meeting and my right arm felt as if somebody had taken a sledgehammer to my elbow. No big deal right? I came home, ate some food, and took a Lorazepam. Okay, I budged but I thought it would work. I still felt weak and crappy for the next few days, but I just let things be. Last Friday, while working out, I couldn't swallow. I immediately stopped the workout, took a swig of Gatorade, and I was okay. But, since that day, I've had the following sensations:

1. Not being able to swallow
2. Weak arms and spaghetti legs
3. Thoughts that I'm seriously ill (I won't write them down but you can imagine it)
4. Passing out sensations
5. Trembling
6. Morning anxiety (feels like you're having withdrawals)

For the most part, I have never felt this sensations before. I know I shouldn't catastrophize, but it's been hard. I took the day off today to just relax, and I feel a little better than I did yesterday. Disclaimer: I went bowling last night, and had a few drinks, so I did feel a little hungover this morning, which is why it was a rough start to my day. Also, I will have my annual physical on Feb. 25. If they find nothing, and tell me it's my anxiety, well then I'm going to ramp up my coping and breathing techniques because this shyte is crazy!!!!

Setback? It sure feels like it. I hate to admit it because I can't think of anything else. A bad day or a few days is okay, but 10 straight days? Tomorrow could be another rough day. Yeah, I'm frustrated and angry, but I'm trying to just let the sensations come and go. I now know what folks have been dealing with. I understand some people have had these same sensations for months or even years. Wow, talk about being my hero. You are, because I'm complaining about every little sensation or thought. I know I shouldn't give into them, and today has been better albeit a rough start.

Hope everyone is doing better than me. I will continue to fight the good fight as painful and depressing as it may be.

Arturo

Arturo,

I hope you can go back and read your own posts. I am so impressed with how positive you sound.

I do not have the same set of symptoms, but I know how upset I get when I have a bad day(s) that follow a string a of better ones. It's like part of me hopes with each good day that the anxiety is gone for good. I know of course that is is not that simple. That we just need to reach into our tool bag and try one of our coping skills until it passes, as it always does.

When I read your posts, I can tell that you speak always from the heart, but you always seem to be in control. So even when you have having bad days, you come across strong. Keep fighting, better days are ahead.

Shamber